Overwhelmed
by AShipperWithNoLife
Summary: Alfred can't help but be jealous of his brother. Matthew always received more love form their parents, and was now doing much better than him in the adult world. Meanwhile, life is always a constant struggle for him. Will things ever be better for Alfred, or will he always be taunted by the fantasy his brother lives in?
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: This story contains depression, insomnia, extreme envy, hints of narcissistic parenting and favoritism towards one child over the other during childhood, and the desire to have an eating disorder.**

 **A/N: So, this little idea popped up in my head, and I decided to make a short chapter story of it. I think that it's going to end up being around four to five chapters long, so enjoy!**

* * *

It was the middle of March, and spring break at the college Alfred attended had just begun. Though for him, this was nothing to be too excited about. He still had to go to work for a couple of the days he had off of school, and there was still plenty of studying for him to do. Along with some homework. Not only that, but he was so exhausted to the point where he didn't feel as if he could put much effort into anything he did anymore. He'd been in college for almost four years now, and those years had been rough on him.

He'd been stuck living in a small apartment with a roommate (who wasn't too terrible to be around, but sometimes he wanted some alone time and some more space) that only had one bedroom (but at least it had two beds) for almost four years straight. He hadn't been sure whether or not his parents would even let him stay in their house, and he'd loathed the idea of staying with them longer than he needed to anyways. Besides, the college he attended was far away from home (it was the best college he was accepted into, so he was okay with traveling and living far from his family in order to receive his education there), so it wasn't as if it would make sense for him to stay with his parents. Alfred had to work a part-time job in order to help his roommate pay for the rent and the food. As if spending most of his free time studying and doing homework wasn't stressful enough, the job he had, though only being part-time, was what really made sure that his life was all the more difficult. He was lucky to even have the job in the first place, but keeping it had been quite the challenge for the poor college student. His employer expected all of his employees to work as hard as they possibly could, and he was reluctant to accept sick days. He was also hardly understanding towards various health problems and what not, and lacked the patience to put up with someone who slacked off even for only five seconds.

Speaking of employers, Alfred hated the fact that Ivan, his roommate, didn't loathe his job nearly as much as he did. He was payed more, and didn't have to deal with some narcissist giving him a hard time while he was at work. He'd even been promoted once. Alfred, on the other hand, had to constantly worry about how much longer he was going to have his job, as he had been told quite a few times to 'get to work' or that 'he better shape up and stop being lazy'. It was just becoming so hard for him to concentrate on most things in his life, though. Especially since lately, his mind was becoming clouded with envy towards his brother and hatred towards himself; and he was too burnt out to want to focus on much else. All he wanted was to be able to rest once in a while and clear his mind, and just for life to be somewhat easier.

Alfred found it to be extremely unfair that his brother didn't even have to try as hard as he did, and yet his life was turning out to be way better than his. He had brains, a decent personality (though many didn't really notice him, because he was so quiet most of the time), good looks, and he always had no problem keeping his appearance well-kept. Alfred, on the other hand, had trouble keeping his hair from being so messy. It was a trait that he, unfortunately, had inherited from his dad. To make matters worse, there was a large cowlick that never wanted to lie flat on his head, no matter how hard he tried to make it behave. He'd even tried cutting it off once, which had left him with a tuft of hair near his forehead that looked even worse than the cowlick. The tuft was also very prominent, and he ended up being teased for it, and scolded by his mother for trying to cut his own hair.

Aside from his hair being unruly (in his mind, anyways), he couldn't help but hate the color of it as well. To him, it was possibly the most ugly shade of blonde he'd ever laid his eyes on. It lacked anything interesting, such as a reddish hue, and sometimes, he could've sworn that he saw a brownish-greenish tint to it (though this was only in his mind). The color of his hair reminded him of vomit. Not of gold or the sun, as other blondes probably would've had their hair compared to.

Then there were his eyes. Alfred couldn't help but despise his blue orbs. To him, they were probably the most dull color in the world; just being a solid blue, instead of having hints of grey or green, as other blue eyes might have had. Instead of reminding him of something pleasant, such as the sky, or the ocean, they reminded him of the depressing hue of blue that he would sometimes see outside of the window during a cloudy day when it was almost nighttime.

The last major flaw he noticed with his appearance was his weight. His parents had always commented on how he looked so 'chunky' throughout his childhood, and had even admitted to being embarrassed about having an overweight kid. There had been times when his parents had limited the food he was allowed to eat, since they believed that he lacked the self-control to make himself lose some weight. This had often led to Alfred finding ways to hide food from his parents and binge on it, as being forced to eat nothing but healthy food, and never being allowed to touch something as sweet as chocolate for weeks on end would sometimes give him cravings for sweets. Besides, binging in secret gave him thrill, as he enjoyed the idea of rebelling against his parents who he loathed so much. However, sometimes he couldn't help but be angry with himself for doing that. All throughout high school, his classmates had seen him as fat, and now, he couldn't help but view himself as such along with him (though in all reality, he'd never been fat; it was just that the amount of food he ate, and how much he weighed on the scale that made people believe that he needed to start dieting). He hated himself for not having the discipline to lose weight, and sometimes, he secretly wished that he could have anorexia or bulimia. Alfred knew that this was crazy, and that people with these eating disorders would probably hate him or find him really stupid for wanting such a disease, but he didn't care if it would take suffering to achieve his goal. All he wanted was some discipline, and to be thin, but he knew that he was never going to have this. The hunger cramps that came from drastically limiting his food intake, and the fact that he didn't have the guts to make himself throw up prevented these disorders from becoming a part of his life.

It really didn't help that Alfred's personality was no better, in his opinion, than his body. He'd always been viewed as annoying and extremely ditsy by everyone, accept for Matthew and Ivan. He didn't think it was cute at all that he sometimes didn't know something that was supposed to be common knowledge, or sometimes struggled to understand simple concepts. Instead, he found it both moronic and pathetic.

What made his supposed ugliness, lack of talent, stupidity, and annoying personality even worse was the fact that he had a huge crush on his roommate. Sure, Ivan was friendly to him and what not, and was one of the few people who ever seemed to be interested in what he had to say, but he still thought that the handsome Russian was way out of his league. He was probably the most good-looking person he'd ever laid his eyes on; what not with his light ashen blonde hair that reminded him of the snow, his perfect, healthy build, and violet eyes that could be compared to amethysts. Not only that, but he was almost as smart as Matthew, and had a weird, yet charming personality. All while Alfred had nothing to offer; accept for his tendency to be an unlovable nuisance.

It'd been two days since he had any sleep, and no matter how tired he was, he still had a lot of trouble trying to fall asleep every night during the past couple of months, since he'd been crying over everything that had been eating at him (though, he tried to make sure that his roommate never noticed him do this). Not only that, but the exhaustion and the lack of free time he had only made him want to stay up way past the time he should've been staying up, even though he knew that he shouldn't be doing this because it would end up him tired all day. He did this just so that he would be able to have the leisure time that work and school would steal from him. Sure, maybe others wouldn't have found college, studying, and working at a part time job as agonizingly stress inducing as he did. Ivan definitely seemed to have no problem handling this (though he was sure that his roommate sometimes would become stressed out, as he didn't know another human being that could stand so much work, let alone go an entire year of college without feeling stressed). For him, though, things were different. It was difficult for Alfred to absorb much of what he learned in class. It was challenging for him to make sure he wrote down every minutiae that was mentioned in the lectures and presentations he sat through into his notes. He knew that he was probably going to forget most of what his professors said anyways, which was why he would almost write down every word that was spoken in every presentation and lecture he attended. He would try his best to remember the information by studying it for hours on end every day, but sometimes, it seemed to disappear from his mind overnight, and he would have to start all over with memorizing it. Perhaps striving for straight As in college was too much for him to manage, as it wasn't even happening for him anyways, but he knew that if he didn't give it his all that he would end up with horrible grades.

Little did he know, as he prepared himself for work with drowsiness obvious in his sluggish movements, his roommate had grown to be quite worried about him as of late. In fact, Ivan was tempted to try and talk Alfred out of going to work that day, as he only looked tidy enough to be considered presentable, and not in the way that made him appear one-hundred percent professional, but rather decent looking enough to avoid judgement from others. His hair, though being more messy than it usually was, did not appear to be greasy or decorated with build up, but rather, it only looked as if the wind had abused it a bit, and that he could easily flatten against his head with his hands to make it look more decent. He had dark circles under his eyes, which Ivan knew were not just something that he had trouble dealing with, but instead were an obvious sign of a recent possibility of stress, a lack of sleep, or sickness. His skin, which usually had a light tan, was now paler than his roommate's, who naturally was supposed to be the paler of the two. It would've been easy for someone who didn't know Alfred too well to overlook these signs, and just pass him off as someone who was naturally really pale with dark circles who also seemed to be in a rush. It would've been stupid for anyone who lived with him to not notice, though. Ivan could tell from living with him for four years how much more sickly he appeared to be, and that there was something terribly wrong with him. The problem was, he didn't know how to help his roommate out, as every time he made an attempt to do so, it'd been shot down.

* * *

Alfred had returned to the apartment, after working for six hours and walking for thirty minutes to and from work. He didn't have a car, so he had to walk everywhere he went. Sure, one could have suggested to him that he could use public transportation, but he tried to spend as little money as possible since he hardly earned any in the first place. Besides, there were a few stores nearby, so he didn't really see any need for it.

Walking had become quite a chore for him, as despite all of the coffee he had drank that morning (which was a couple of cups more than he would usually drink), he was starting to sway due to how exhausted he was, and how wavy this lack of sleep had made his world look to him. He'd managed to remove his jacket and his shoes and set them in their correct location, so that they at least wouldn't be a nuisance to him, but when he entered the bedroom, his legs gave out, and he had to grab onto the doorway just to ease his fall. Ivan immediately noticed his roommate's struggle to try and stand up once more, and decided to strode over to him so that he could help him out. Worry for the American's sudden lack of energy rushed throughout his stomach, as he scooped Alfred into his arms, and carried him to his bed, he asked, "What's wrong? You're not in any pain, are you?"

Alfred didn't even bother protesting or mentally questioning the fact that Ivan had lifted him up in his arms as soon as he reached him instead of trying to help him stand up and walk first. Despite the fact that he had been feeling extremely miserable for a couple of months now, there was still a warmth that formed in his stomach as his crush had gently lifted him up and carried him bridal style. In his tired state, he was almost convinced that this was dream that was too good to be true, and he didn't ever want it to end, or to be set down. Besides, he wasn't even sure if he would want to walk even if someone were to support him at that moment. All he wanted to do was lay down and sleep for at least a year, but he knew that he wasn't going to enjoy such as luxury anytime soon, as the excitement in his stomach from the caffeine was still bothering him.

Even if being held as he currently was happened to be so comforting that he didn't want to do so much as talk, he still replied to Ivan's inquiry, "No, I'm not in any pain. Just a little tired."

Ivan set Alfred down on his bed and gently tucked him as he told him, "Are you sure there isn't anything else going on? It's not normal for people to just collapse like that if they're only a little tired."

"I'm fine, really."

Even though Ivan felt as if bringing Alfred to the hospital was better than having him lay in bed after collapsing, he figured that arguing with his stubborn roommate was going to do nothing to help him, and that maybe, there was a chance that he was becoming too worried over something that probably wasn't too terrible. He was still skeptical though, and had mentally promised himself that if anything else happened, he was definitely going to make Alfred see a doctor. Despite all of this, though, he still tried to keep the skepticism out of his voice, "Alright. Just try to get some sleep, then."

Feeling a bit frustrated now with the fact that his roommate had assumed that sleep would be easy for him to achieve at that moment, Alfred retorted, "I can't."

"Why not?"

"I drank too much coffee this morning."

Ivan tried to refrain from giving Alfred a look of disapproval, believing that he could take a guess as to what his roommate had done to himself to make him feel tired, yet unable to sleep at the same time. Despite his attempt to refrain from doing so, though, suspicion was beginning to leak into his tone as he asked, "If you drank a lot of coffee this morning, then how come you're so tired? You did get some sleep last night, da?"

"No, I haven't slept for two days now..."

"Fredka," Ivan began to scold in a soft voice, "You can't just force yourself to stay up like that. This is terrible for your body!"

"I can't fall asleep no matter how hard I try!"

Tears of frustration were now threatening to spill from Alfred's eyes. He'd tried so hard to hold them back, but despite his effort, his exhaustion simply wouldn't allow him to do so. Ivan felt guilty for assuming that Alfred had only been neglecting his health, rather than trying to take care of himself, and pulled him into a hug as he said, "I'm sorry for being so inconsiderate. I guess that I didn't realize that you might have been struggling to try and fall asleep, and just assumed that you were only staying up so that you could play on your computer. Is there anything I can do to help you fall asleep? Or maybe something I should stop doing that's been bothering you at night and disturbing your sleep?"

Alfred tried to speak through the tightness in his throat without having his voice quiver (he figured that his intense exhaustion and horrible mental state were the reasons why he was suddenly so emotional), "I don't know."

Ivan noticed that quiver in his voice and replied, "Nyet, please don't cry! We can try to figure out a solution to this. Just please try not to let this make you so upset. I understand that you feel horrible right now, but stressing yourself out is only going to make it worse."

Ivan's heart began to ache for his poor roommate. He'd never seen the normally happy American look so miserable before. Besides, he always planned on keeping this a secret from the world, but he was sort of romantically fond of Alfred. He didn't believe he had any hope with this crush though, so he always tried his best to ignore it. That still didn't mean that he would neglect his crush if he had a problem, or wanted some company. If he wanted some affection and support, Ivan would always be more than happy to give him just that.

Tears began to streak down Alfred's cheeks as he blurted, "It's not just that!"

"Can you please tell me what else his bothering you, then?" Ivan asked, trying his best to remain calm so that he didn't end up making Alfred feel worse (seeing tears slide down his crush's cheeks was torture to him; it made his heart feel empty, as if he'd somehow failed him), "I might be able to help you, and you might feel better if you tell me what's going on. Besides, you don't need to feel ashamed of whatever is bothering you. I won't judge you for it."

That was it. Ivan had just said that magical words to break Alfred's barrier, "I'm just so sick of being worthless!"

"You're not worthless, Fredka," Ivan said in a soft voice as he held Alfred tighter, "What makes you think that you're worthless?"

"I've always had so much trouble keeping up with everyone else in school, and my parents have always been mad at me for being so stupid! I can hardly keep a job too, and I'm probably not even very employable! I have so many problems and I eat way too much! Even though I didn't do anything to deserve to eat the amount of food that I eat! I'm also out of shape, and was never allowed on any sports teams in school because I either couldn't do what the coach wanted me to do well enough, didn't always get my homework done, or wasn't good enough physically to make the cut. I don't have any talent, or anything that I'm at least slightly better than average at. I'm also ugly, so that makes all of this so much worse!"

"None of that's true, though. You're not stupid or lazy. You have a great work ethic! I'd say that it's even harmful to you, you're that hard working. You're definitely not fat either. You look like you're at a healthy weight to me. Besides, you'd probably be able to outrun me any day. Also, whoever gave you the idea that you're ugly is either really stupid, or blind. I don't mean to seem creepy or anything, but most people can't compete with how attractive you are. I think that most people are just jealous. There's nothing about your appearance that I could possibly find revolting."

"Then how come my parents and other people who don't have to worry about competing with me think so differently from you?" Alfred glared at Ivan, as if he thought he was trying to falsely bring his hopes up by lying to him, "I can hardly remember my parents ever saying anything aside from, 'Why can't you get good grades like Matthew? He has no problem getting straight As', 'Why can't you ever stay out of trouble? Matthew has no problem behaving.', 'Why can't you take better care of yourself like your brother does? His hair is never messy and he would never let himself get FAT!'"

Ivan flinched when Alfred suddenly raised his voice, but didn't try to stop him from continuing his rant, "My brother's always been so perfect from the moment he was born. Yes, he had to deal with being shy, and being ignored by most people because of that, but other than that, he's never had any REAL problems! My parents always loved him a lot more than they loved me. All because he was smart and he didn't even have to try! He had no trouble getting a GPA of four while I had to put all of my effort into getting a three point four, and my parents were still not satisfied with that! Then during the SAT, I thought that I was finally going to score higher than Matthew at something, since I've been practicing for the English part of it for a whole year, and I ended up getting into the sixty-fifth percentile. I was so happy about receiving this score at first, since it was above average, but when I saw what Matthew got, my score suddenly felt like a joke to me. He ended up getting ninety-first percentile on the reading part of the test! And for math he was in the ninety-ninth percentile! He didn't even try as hard as I did to receive that high score on the test, and he still did way better than me! And of course, my parents celebrated his success on that test, but didn't give a crap about what I got. In fact, they scolded me for only getting into the fifty-first percentile in math, and they even started to wonder where my stupidity came from, since no one else in the family is as stupid as I am!

"And things didn't get any better since childhood. Matthew is now going for a PhD in medicine, and will have no problem paying for his debt from college, since he earned a lot of scholarships. Every college wanted him. Meanwhile, I tried to earn some scholarships myself, but I didn't end up getting any, so now I'm going to be in a lot of debt once I'm out of college, and probably won't be able to get a job that will be able to pay it off. I don't even like what I'm majoring in! Matthew also doesn't have to worry about dealing with a hopeless crush, because every time he's gained the bravery to ask someone out, they immediately said yes! Whenever I've asked someone I loved out, I was laughed at and teased for it. I just have a feeling that I'm going to end up on the streets one day, and that no one will care! I don't even think that anyone will care if I suddenly dropped dead!

"Everything's just becoming too much for me! Everyone else seems to have no problem getting on their feet as soon as they turn eighteen, yet here I am, getting stressed over every little thing that happens to me, and wondering why I even bother anymore. I'm just so poor and hopeless. I'm also getting really sick of eating crappy food and being stuck in this small apartment; unless I'm at the store, college, or work. All I want is for things to be at least a little bit easier for me. I just want to be happy and feel loved..."

Ivan remained silent as Alfred began to sob into his shoulder. He could hardly even come up with anything to say. The pain in his roommate's voice, and constant rejection and envy he had to suffer through made him feel even more empty than he was when his crush was only just silently crying. He had no idea that he was going through such emotional agony, as he'd always done a great job at hiding it. After silently holding Alfred for what seemed to be fifteen minutes, he finally had the bravery to say, "You don't have to become homeless. You're always more than welcome to continue to live with me, if things become too hard for you."

Alfred pulled his face away from Ivan's shoulder so that he could ask, "Really? You're going to let me live with you? Even if I end up not having a job and can't help you pay for anything?"

"Of course you can, Fredka. I would have no problem with letting you stay with me, even if you were jobless. I know that this is really hard for you to believe, but I love having you around. You're the first person who was ever willing to have a fun conversation with me like a normal person. Most people are either too intimidated to talk to me, or just find me weird and don't want to associate with me. Besides, I would hate to see you end up cold and miserable on the streets. I'd rather you were happy and had a home. You deserve to be happy." Ivan started to gently wipe tears away from Alfred's cheeks as he continued, "Besides, maybe one day I will get a high paying job, and we can move out of this apartment and get a nice house. If you wanted to, you could even start going to therapy. I'm also going to be willing to help you out with your struggles, even if you don't want to see a therapist, of course. I just think that it would be good for you to talk to a professional. They know more about how to make people feel better than I do.

"But on a lighter note, we could even start going out to eat some better food. If I ever start earning more money, you won't ever have to touch a bowl of ramen noodles again. Unless it's from an expensive Japanese restaurant."

"Ivan, you can't be serious," Alfred gave Ivan a look of disbelief, "There's no one I can think of who would be willing to do this for their roommate. Do you really care about me that much, or are you yanking my chain?"

"Nyet, I'm being serious. I wouldn't make this offer to you if I didn't actually mean it. That would just be cruel."

 _Well, what harm can come out of believing him, except for embarrassing myself a little if it turns out that he's lying? It's not like I have anything to lose anyways._ Alfred thought, as he began to hug Ivan tighter than he already was and mumbled into his shoulder, "Thank you."

Ivan felt the air being squeezed out of his lungs, but ignored this discomfort as he replied, "It's no problem."

They stayed that way for a long time, as Ivan continued to comfort his touch-starved roommate. Eventually, though, Alfred was finally able to fall asleep in the warmth of his crush's arms.

* * *

 **A/N: Yes, I realize that I'd already published this story before, but I ended up deleting the older version of it because I was not happy with it and wanted to start over. The summary needed some work, and the pacing was awkward. Things were also left unexplained. Hopefully, the story is now better than it was before.**


	2. Chapter 2

At first, Alfred had been reluctant to awake from the peaceful, deep slumber he fell into when he was being held by Ivan. He was still quite groggy, and the blanket he was snuggled in was still wrapped tightly, yet comfortably around his form; keeping him warm in the somewhat chilly room, which was why he only wanted to snuggle with it even longer. Yet as he slowly drifted out of the peaceful world he was once in, and transitioned into wakefulness, he was beginning to find it more and more difficult to urge himself back to sleep as he kept his eyes shut and tried to stay as still as possible. However, despite his effort to focus all of his mental energy into forcing his mind into a world of dreams, so that he could continue the exciting adventure he'd been having, he eventually figured out that this was a lost battle, and so he began to shove the blanket off of his body and sit up for a short while so that he could wake himself up quicker and begin the day. Though he was still tempted to crawl back under the covers, since he now felt chilly without the protection of the overlay, and wanted to warm up. As well as the fact that he was still feeling drowsy, so he wanted to spend the first hour of the day relaxing as a gentle way to wake himself up, he still wanted to try and make himself be as wide awake as possible as soon as he could. Not that he really needed to do this, as he didn't need to go anywhere that day. It's just that this was now a habit of his, and he did want to go right into studying, so that he could be prepared for the upcoming tests in two weeks, and then later, the exams at the end of the school year.

It wasn't long after Alfred retrieved his glasses off of the nightstand and placed them on his face that he was greeted by Ivan. His roommate appeared to be very happy with the fact that he was now awake (not that he really cared much for that fact), and he set down a plate with a sandwich, along with a cup of chocolate milk on the nightstand as he stated, "I was just about to wake you up so that you could have some breakfast. You've been asleep for almost twelve hours, and I figured that you wouldn't need anymore sleep anyways. I'm glad that you were able to get so much sleep, despite having all of that caffeine in your body. You seemed to have really needed that long rest, after all of that stress. How do you feel?"

"I feel a lot better than I did yesterday, though I'm still pretty tired," Alfred explained, glancing at the clock to find out what time it was before saying, "It's only six in the morning? I thought that it would at least be seven by now, since it feels like it took twice as long to get back from work than it usually does, and what happened when I got back feels like it lasted for an hour or two as well."

"Nyet, you were actually rather early when you returned from work, and your venting didn't last that long either. But anyways, while you were asleep, I went out to the grocery store to buy some better food, since I had extra money laying around, and decided that there would be no harm in doing so. I also thought that you deserved a little bit of a treat, so I made you a nice sandwich. I actually cooked the meat on it, instead of putting on some lunch meat, and there's a lot of vegetables on it, as well as some salad dressing. I also bought some carnation milk powder, since I figured that you could use some extra vitamins. It's chocolate flavored too, and I know how much you love chocolate."

"Thanks, Ivan," Alfred replied, feeling the skin on the back of his neck prickle a bit, as he felt overwhelmed by how sweet Ivan was suddenly being towards him, "But you really didn't have to do this for me. You already did me a huge favor yesterday when you listened to my ranting. I'm very grateful for what you did yesterday evening, and I don't need you to do anything else for me. I could just continue to eat the crappy food. It sucks to eat it all the time, but it isn't the worst thing in the world."

"It really isn't a problem, Fredka. I really didn't mind listening to everything you had to say yesterday, and I hate seeing you so upset, so I wanted to make you feel better. Besides, I figure that you deserve to be fed something better than the cheap food we've been eating most of the time these past four years. I'm starting to get sick of it as well, so I kind of want to try to get better food from now on."

Despite the fact that Alfred still felt a bit overwhelmed at the thought of being offered some better food than the crap he'd been eating, Ivan walked out of the room when he felt as if he'd explained his act of kindness to his roommate well enough, and didn't feel as if he had to talk about the meal any longer (as doing so would probably be quite awkward). Though before he'd left the room completely, he stopped at he doorway and stated, "Why don't you start eating that sandwich now? Some food might help you feel more energized. I know that a little bit of food sometimes helps me feel more energized and aware of my surroundings. Along with making me feel better overall."

At the point, Alfred didn't need any more reassurance to direct his attention towards the sandwich on the nightstand. His stomach was already beginning to bother him, and it had only been about ten minutes since he awoke from his long slumber. The greedy organ wouldn't stop growling at him; demanding him to stuff his face with food so that it could be spoiled with the full, warm feeling the he enjoyed so much after eating a large, tasty meal. Besides, he could've sworn that he was hungry to the point where his stomach was now trying to punish him for neglecting it while he was tired from staying up for two days straight and working, as a creepy crawling feeling was now present within the pit of his stomach. It was as if the organ had somehow become some needy animal, and it was trying to find a way to crawl out of his body to find some food. The hunger pang that accompanied this disgusting feeling didn't help make him feel any better about dealing with this either, as it almost seemed as if his guts had somehow obtained claws as well.

Lifting up the sandwich from the plate, Alfred bit off his first mouth full of the meal, and had to resist the urge to moan due to how delicious the food was. The chicken was full of flavor and it was very juicy. Ivan had seasoned it quite well. He'd even done a better job at cooking than his mother usually would, and Alfred's mother was pretty much known for her outstanding ability to cook amongst her friends and family. He figured that it might have been one of the reasons why she seemed to be so popular with everyone she spoke to, as he personally thought that she was otherwise too nit picky, and even harsh to have so many friends without her talent and her looks to save her from social rejection. He was satisfied, though, knowing that she would never amount to Ivan's excellent ability to cook, since not only was he his love interest, but even if he thought that he deserved the harsh judgement, he couldn't help but be satisfied when someone who hurt him his whole childhood was outdone by someone he who was more respectful towards him. It made him feel as if he was more valuable than he'd initially thought; being the friend of someone who held such talent and what not.

Even if they were both a couple of poor college students, Ivan had actually started doing a bit of actual cooking, though he only did this rarely. His reasoning for cooking delicious food once in a while was because he missed making somewhat decent food, and had always been excited about cooking. He also figured that there would be no harm in buying some spices, since they would be graduating college soon anyways, and he assumed, being the optimist he sometimes was, that they would at least be making some more money once they had their bachelor's degrees (and if this wasn't for the fact that they would possibly get a better jobs, then they would at least earn some more money if they both started working full time after college). It wasn't as if Alfred was about to complain about this, though. He didn't mind the fact that, despite being so poor, Ivan sometimes spent extra money on food that was more expensive than what they would usually eat. The food was quite delicious, after all, and they couldn't eat ramen noddles and frozen foods for every meal they had. That was just too monotonous.

Not too long after Alfred started making some progress on his sandwich, Ivan entered the room with a sandwich of his own, and decided to sit down on his bed before he began to eat his meal. The two college students remained silent as they stuffed their faces with the rare treat, and by the time they were both finally finished with their meal, Ivan set his plate on the nightstand (he would take care of it soon enough), and asked Alfred, "Do you have to work today? I remember hearing you say that you only had to work for two days during break."

"No, I don't have to work until Friday," Alfred answered, and then inquired, "Why are you asking me this?"

"Oh, it's good to know that you won't be working anytime soon, because today, I don't want you to do anything that could be considered work."

Shocked by what Ivan had just said, Alfred retorted, "I can't just relax all day! I have a lot of studying to do, and a little bit of homework as well!"

"Fredka, please don't get angry about this, you need to take a break," Ivan explained, trying to ease the tension, "Sure, your work ethic is a wonderful thing for you to have, and I can see you going far in life with it. Even if you think that you're going to end up on the streets. But at the same time, it's starting to cause you some harm. You need to loosen up a bit. You can do some studying some other day. You have have five days left of break to do it. Besides, if you aren't so stressed when you're trying to learn something, you'll have an easier time absorbing the information while you study. So please, just try to rest today. We can do something relaxing and fun together. It's been a while since we've actually done something fun with each other, and I really want to spend some time with you."

Alfred thought about everything that Ivan had just told him for a few moments. It didn't seem as if his roommate was going to give up on trying to stop him from stressing himself out so easily, and after such a stressful month, he wasn't in the mood to argue. Despite the fact that something in the back of his mind began to nag him for 'wasting time', and anxiety began to pinch his mind, he still couldn't help but actually consider his roommate's plans for him that day. Not only had his love interest done an excellent job of persuading him that relaxing for a day, and simply doing it more often, would help him do a better job at performing in school (it was a fact that he wished he'd taken seriously during high school, as thinking back, this sometimes actually did help him, and he also wished that he could've remembered it for college as well). Besides, Ivan had just told him he wanted to spend some time with him, and just hearing him say something as simple and innocent as that made him want to hide somewhere and blush with glee as if he was some shy school girl who'd just brushed past their crush in the hallway. Not only had Ivan listened to his life problems and let him cry on his shoulder, but now he seemed to want to spend some quality time with him! Sure, this wasn't really a huge deal in all reality, and they occasionally would do something fun together, but to him, especially after what Ivan did for him the other day, it seemed as if their simple friendship was beginning to progress into something more special.

Even if he was excited about the fact that Ivan was showing him a lot of care and was being quite friendly towards him lately, Alfred still didn't want to risk getting his hopes up over nothing. Especially since it wasn't very likely that their relationship would ever become romantic. Trying his best to keep the glee out of his voice, he replied to Ivan's explanation about why he should take a break today, "Okay, I guess that you're right about the studying thing. The only reason I try to do it as much as possible, though, is because I sometimes have a hard time remembering the material, since it's so boring. I don't have any trouble doing the hands on work, though, since that's actually fun, but book work just isn't my forte. I just wish that I knew a way to make it easier for me, or at least make it seem more interesting than it actually is."

Ivan absorbed what Alfred had just told him with interest, which was something the American had definitely not expected his crush to feel towards such a simple fact. Giving what he'd just been told a moment of thought, the Russian was eventually able to draw a conclusion as to what was going on with Alfred's learning ability, "It seems like you may just have a different type of intelligence than what school expects from you. This is definitely not a bad thing, it just means that you need to find a different way of learning the material than what is 'normal'. I'm not sure how others who are like you are able to learn material from a book, or what may be considered the easiest way for someone who likes hands on work more than doing book work, but have you ever tried applying how you could use what you learn in your classes to real life? If you think about all of the things you can do with that information, you might begin to appreciate it more and find it easier to learn. You've probably already been given similar advice to this before, though, so I'm sorry if this doesn't help you. I'm not really an expert when it comes to helping other people learn, which is why I'm not becoming a teacher."

Something clicked within Alfred's mind after hearing this. Despite the fact that Ivan had thought that his advice was cliche, he'd never actually heard anyone tell him this before. All of his life, he'd pretty much been told by everyone that there was only one way to be intelligent, and if someone didn't meet the standards for that one form of intellect, then they weren't considered smart.

Alfred was definitely not one of those people who met the standards. In fact, he pretty much failed at all of the unwritten requirements. His vocabulary was not vast, but instead, he'd often been insulted for the simple words he often used, such as 'like' and 'stuff'. Of course, after 'kindly' being informed about this, he began to limit his usage of those words, and instead tried to find replacements for them that sounded more sophisticated. Besides, expanding his vocabulary did help prevent his speech from being as repetitive as it used to be, but others still seemed to think that his word choice was 'unintelligent' and lacking creativity, regardless of the time and effort he put into improving it.

Another reason why he was not considered intelligent, but rather, 'moronic', was because his general knowledge was lacking. His social skills were also considered subpar. This, however, was not his fault. He was rejected by the other kids at school during his childhood, and usually, unless there was something wrong, had a lot of energy. In fact, because of how hyper he sometimes was, his parents often suspected that he had ADHD, since along with the overwhelming amounts of energy came a short attention span. Though he'd never been diagnosed with it. Over the years, though, the energy began to gradually fade away, and he became less talkative as he became more depressed. This was mostly due to the fact that his peers had constantly rejected him, and his parents never wanted to talk to him unless it was for the sake of insulting him. The only person he could remember having a few decent conversations with was his brother, but those were rare, since Matthew was shy and hardly ever conversed with others, especially during childhood. Sure, one could easily assume that social rejection, constant insults, threats, and even being attacked a few times by his peers and having physical harm that was done to him be ignored would toughen him up. Instead, it seemed to do the opposite. Sure, he could handle putting up with random pricks he came across, but constant harassment and forced isolation was too much for him, and the more often it happened, the more it would affect him, and he would eventually become quite emotional. It made sense, though. Alfred was a social creature. He _needed_ to feel accepted and to have someone to talk to, or he was _going_ to feel miserable. Others could call him weak all they wanted for wanting to feel loved (as a normal human being would), but he was simply afraid of not having any love. If he was being rejected, he was going to be hurt. That's how it always seemed to work for him.

The last things that proved that he could supposedly never be considered intelligent was the fact that he sometimes could not figure something out. Depending on the puzzle or obstacle he was faced with, his brain could not fathom how to overcome it. This often required him to suck up his pride and ask for help from others. Depending on the person, they would either be understanding towards his lack of ability to overcome the obstacle, or laugh at him for it.

Ivan, though, understood that some skills simply weren't Alfred's forte. He knew that there were still things that he was excellent at doing, despite the fact that his flaws always seemed to overshadow them. This was one of the many reasons why Alfred loved his roommate so much. He never judged him, and he seemed to be a natural when it came to stroking his starving ego. Sure, he was sometimes suspicious of whether or not Ivan actually meant what he said, but at the same time, if he was willing to put some effort into his praise, and was always really patient with him, was that really such a terrible thing?

With appreciation now overwhelming, yet creating a pleasant warmth in his chest, Alfred expressed his gratitude to his roommate, "Ivan, I never actually though about it that way. Thanks for telling me this! I thought that there was only one way that you can be intelligent, so I never really bothered to look into other types of intelligence aside from what people commonly associate it with. I'll keep that piece of advice in mind for the next time I study."

Ivan gave Alfred a smile and told him, "It was no problem. I'm glad that you were able to learn something from what I just said."

There was a moment of silence before Alfred decided to change the subject, "So, what did you want to do with me today? Do you have a plan of what we can do, because I can't really think of anything that we _can_ do together. Since we're so poor, and it's still cold pretty cold outside."

"Well, I was thinking that we could watch a movie or two together. Not in a movie theater, or course, but maybe on your laptop? There's a few that I've been really wanting to watch lately, but I would rather watch them with another person, since watching movies alone gets boring fast."

"Okay, we can do that. That sounds like it'll be fun. Just let me clear the history on my laptop, though. I don't want you snooping around what I've been looking up when my back's turned."

Ivan had to focus all of his attention on trying to make sure that he didn't find what Alfred had just said even the slightest bit humorous as his roommate brought out his laptop and began to start it up. The thing was, whenever Alfred wasn't looking, he would often take a glance at what he was doing out of curiosity. He didn't do this for the sake of being cruel, as he did not intend to tell a single soul, or even his roommate that he knew what he looked up. He also made sure not to look at his screen when it was obvious that personal information was being typed, such as for when he was filling out a job application (which during the past year, he had been filling out a lot of those, and his poor roommate was always rejected from the job offers). He was sure that there were still a few things that he didn't know Alfred was doing on his computer, as he never actually looked at his history during the times that his roommate needed to go to the bathroom or take a shower, and forgot to close his laptop, but for the most part, he knew that most of what he looked up was what normal people would often look up on their computer, and if it wasn't considered normal, then it was just some silly guilty pleasure that was completely innocent. Which was why Ivan didn't understand how Alfred could be so embarrassed by what he'd been looking up.

When Alfred finally had his computer set up, and cleared his history, he allowed Ivan to put up one of the movies that he really wanted to watch with him, and when they were both ready, they started the movie.

Ten minutes into the movie, Alfred found himself snuggled up against his crush. It was probably the second time they'd ever had such contact with each other, and neither of them minded it at all. After all, they both loved each other a lot, and the warmth only made the movie all the more enjoyable for the two of them. However, half way through the movie, Alfred was beginning to find it difficult to focus on what was going on in it, as he had been close to Ivan for such a long time and was now in a great mood because of him, and it was becoming difficult to resist the urge to do more than just cuddle him. Looking at his roommate's face, he couldn't help but notice how soft his lips looked. He wondered how much he would enjoy exploring his mouth, yet at the same time, he was too nervous to do so. Not only did he have no experience with kissing others, and had to rely on what he'd seen in the media and watch what others did to know how, but Ivan had not yet shown him any signs that he was okay with being kissed, and he wasn't going to kiss him if that was not what his crush wanted.

Which was why he decided to inch himself closer and snuggle more into his love interest's chest, just to see if it was okay for him to be closer to him that he already was. Much to his relief, he was silently granted the permission to do this. In fact, the cuddly behavior was even encouraged, as he was rewarded with the privilege of having his hair and cheek stroked. Loving the attention was was now receiving, Alfred continued to inch closer and closer to Ivan's face, eventually ending up on his lap in the process. Instead of becoming uncomfortable though, his roommate only continued to welcome this behavior instead of becoming creeped out, as the close contact was beginning to make him melt on the inside with adoration. He loved seeing Alfred act so comfortable and be willing to get so close to him, and he was sort of secretly hoping that more could happen between them.

His wish was immediately granted when Alfred suddenly pressed his lips against his. Shocked by the action, Ivan silently gasped and froze, allowing Alfred to slide his tongue into his mouth. A warm, fuzzy feeling was now in the pit of his stomach as his roommate explored his mouth, yet he didn't know how to respond to the affectionate gesture. He'd never kissed anyone before, and had never bothered trying to learn how, as he thought that it was a lot more simple than how his crush was making it appear to be. He'd always thought that a kiss was supposed to just be a simple peck on the lips. He never thought that they could also linger, and involve tongues.

Disappointed by the lack of response he was receiving, Alfred decided that Ivan was, in all reality, actually not into the idea of kissing him as he initially thought that he'd be. Instead of feeling that warm feeling in his stomach that people often talked about when they were kissed for the first time, he felt disgusted with himself for kissing his roommate when that was probably not what he wanted at all. After all his crush had done for him, he didn't deserve to be violated. With hurt now evident in his eyes, Alfred looked at Ivan, and asked, "How come you're not kissing back? Did you not want me to do that to you? I'm sorry if you feel violated now, I... I just thought that you would be into it. Look, I'll just go now. I doubt that you'll want me around after I did that to you..."

Before Alfred could leave his lap, though, Ivan snapped out of his shock, and wrapped his arms around his roommate so that he could pull him back towards him. Confused by this action, his crush looked up at him with wide eyes, and asked, "What, you're not mad at me?"

"Nyet, Fredka, I'm not angry with you, and I don't feel violated either." Ivan explained, "In all honesty, I kind of liked the kiss, and it wasn't as if I was pushing you away when you were getting really close to me. For a month now, I've always wanted you to kiss me, and for us to be lovers, but I never had the bravery to even hint that out to you, as I didn't think that you'd love me back. The only reason why I was so shocked because I didn't know that you would actually do that for me."

"But... that doesn't answer my question about why you didn't kiss back..."

"I'm sorry, I just thought that when two people kissed, it only lasted for a second and that there was no tongue involved. I didn't know that there were other ways to kiss, so I became confused on what I was supposed to do."

"Oh, well that makes sense. I was just giving you a tongue kiss, and I think that the only thing you have to do is move your tongue around and what not. I'm not really sure, either, since this was my first time ever kissing someone."

"Well in that case, can we try it again, so that maybe this time, I'll do it right?"

Shocked by the request, Alfred stared at Ivan for a moment, before finally saying, "Sure, if you really want to."

This time, Ivan was the one to start the kiss, and Alfred happily opened his mouth to allow his roommate access into it. This time, instead of feeling disgusted, Alfred felt that rewarding warmth in his stomach that everyone always talked about, and he couldn't help but melt due to how satisfying it was. As they continued to kiss, he closed his eyes and let Ivan take complete control over how they went about their kiss. He felt as if he was now apart of his now possibly considered boyfriend, since he was so close to him. It was when the two lovers felt as if they were now suffocating due to the lack of oxygen that they finally broke the kiss.

A blush was now present on Alfred's face as he panted and gazed into the beautiful, amethyst eyes in front of him. He wanted to drown in the deep purple, and forever feel the warm embrace Ivan's eyes held. If there was a feeling better than the one he felt at the moment, Alfred didn't know if he would be able to handle the thrill it would give him, as at that instant, he felt as if he was the happiest person on the planet.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry for not updating anything in a while. It's just that people in my life were being jerks, and it was making me lose my motivation to write.**

 **Also, I kind of wanted to add more to this chapter, but at the same time, I'm sick of making you guys wait, and just wanted to upload it, so don't be surprised if you guys one day reread this chapter, and there's suddenly more content in it, as I think that I'll go back and add more to it, as well as change it up a bit later.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I am so sorry for not updating this in over a month, and for the fact that this update is so short (but necessary, in my eyes, anyways). People were being jerks again, as usual. The guidance counselor at my school was also being a passive aggressive piece of crap, and pretty much told me that I'm not smart enough to join an A.P. class, even though I pretty much meet the requirements, and there's still a lot of room for an 'idiot' like me to join. She also acted as if I'm not going to be able to get into a good college, and yeah, I think you guys get it. I'm pretty angry with her. It just sucks working so hard for something, getting a recommendation for it by some teachers, and then being told by someone with power that only dumb luck will get me what I worked for.**

 **Also, I'm currently facing the dilemma of being into another fandom as well as this one. So yeah, now I'm going to be wasting even more time on fandom, but it will be worth it :)**

* * *

For the first time in months, Alfred had actually managed to become content with the idea of spending a day without doing any work, and instead, enjoyed himself in the company of another human being. Ivan seemed to have a talent for making him feel calm and forget about his worries. In fact, his ability to make him relax was so sensational that no matter how interesting the a scene from one of the movies they were watching appeared to him, he would end up melting at the soft touch of his roommate's hand stroking his hair and gently rubbing various parts of his back, face, and shoulders, and would end up having his mind go blank. He would have never thought that it was possible for someone to become so relaxed to the point where their mind would end up being free of any thoughts. Though he definitely didn't mind being proven wrong, and was not at all disturbed by the fact that Ivan was capable of making his thoughts disappear momentarily as they had a few times during the day (he was sure that his roommate was not even aware that he could do this), but instead, he appreciated the fact that someone could make his anxiety vanish in the first place. He would've had no problem becoming a mindless bundle of warmth that his boyfriend could cuddle for the rest of his life. At least then he could be relaxed forever, and not have to deal with any stress ever again.

He would always be filled with disappointment whenever Ivan had to leave him in order to take a break from watching movies, or wanted to take care of some need. Fortunately, he hadn't needed to do this often, but Alfred had still found it exasperating whenever he decided to pause the movie they were currently watching and leave him feeling cold due to the sudden shortage of warmth that would result from his lack of presence. He knew that this probably seemed greedy of him, and that many people would find it strange that he was suddenly acting so clingy, but it had been a long time since he'd been cuddled. It had definitely been a few years since he'd last been hugged by someone. He really missed the warm feeling in his stomach such simple affection would give him, which was why the fact that his boyfriend was willing to spend hours cuddling with him meant so much to him.

It was when they were watching a third movie that they'd decided that they had spent too much time sitting up, and figured it would be best for their joints if they started laying down. Laying down made cuddling much easier for the two of them, as it was much more relaxing and required less energy than sitting did. It was also easier for the two of them to keep a blanket on their forms.

When Alfred began to doze off due to how warm and comfortable he was, he had suddenly been interrupted from his peaceful state, as he began to feel his roommate start to shift next to him. He opened his eyes to look at the screen of his laptop to find that instead of a movie, there was now the credits of it. Realizing that the movie was now over, he glanced over at Ivan as if he was about to ask him why he was suddenly moving away from him and out of his bed, and it appeared that his boyfriend was able to read his mind at that moment, as he stated, "I'm going to go take a shower now."

Despite the fact that he was downhearted at the fact that he was not going to be in his boyfriend's company for a while, Alfred pretended to not seem affected by this, since he figured that appearing so upset by a short time without his roommate's presence would be awkward, and replied to the statement, "Okay."

With that said, Ivan didn't reply to the comment, as he began to gather up some clothes and a towel, and headed over to the bathroom. Even though he had been a bit dispirited by the fact that he was going to be without his lover for a short while, Alfred seemed to have quickly overcame his disappointment, as he realized the opportunity he had now that his boyfriend was not lingering in his presence. He could start searching online to see if there were any jobs, better than his current one, that were available. Opening up a new tab on the search engine on his computer, he began to type away in order to begin his hunt.

He must have been unusually lucky that day. Not only was he granted the special privilege of kissing his love interest, and then becoming his boyfriend not too long afterwards, but he had also come across a job not too long after beginning his search where he met a lot of the requirements. It was one that required two years of college with his major, and it definitely paid a lot more than the job he currently had. In fact, compared to other two year college degree jobs, it could be considered one of the higher paying ones. He didn't care about what Ivan would say if he caught him filling out a job application for this job offer, he couldn't miss out on this opportunity.

Alfred was very careful about making sure that everything he put down on the job application (and in his resume as he revised it) appeared to be as appealing to the employer as possible. It did take him longer than it normally would have to fill out, but he figured that it was worth all of the time he was putting into it, since he believed that his chances of being employed would increase if he put more effort into it. He didn't even take any notice in his boyfriend when he walked out of the bathroom after taking his shower. That was, until Ivan glimpsed at the computer screen to see what he was up to. Despite this, however, Alfred didn't even bother to look over at his boyfriend to see if he was giving him a look of disapproval. Instead, he continued to type away on his computer as he explained, "I know that you told me not to do any work today, but I just found this job offer, and it would be stupid for me to miss it."

Ivan walked over to his bed to sit on it, and then replied, "If you found a good job, then I'm not going to try and stop you from applying for it."

The two of them stayed silent as Alfred finished applying for the job, and when he was finally finished doing so, he turned off his laptop and laid back on his bed so that he could stretch out his limbs; which were now restless due to how little he'd moved around that day. Even though it probably would've been considered pointless for him to say this, he couldn't help his excitement about whether or not he was going to be accepted for the position he was going for, and said aloud, "God, I really hope I get that job. I'm sick of always being overlooked when I apply for jobs."

Considering that fact that Alfred had the occasional tendency to complain about the job he already had, Ivan couldn't help but be hopeful for his roommate as he stated, "I hope that you end up getting the job as well. You really need to get away from the job you already have."

There was a moment of silence before Ivan finally decided to say, "So, is there anything else you want to do today? It's only about two in the afternoon, so we have plenty of time to do something together."

"I don't know," Alfred replied, after giving this a bit of though, "It would be so much easier to come up with something to do if it wasn't so cold outside. And if we weren't so poor, we'd have more options when it comes to entertainment. I'm so sick of being poor..."

"Well, it is the middle of the afternoon, so it might not be that cold. Maybe we could go for a walk?"

"I checked the weather not too long ago, and right now, it's only thirty-five degrees."

"Well, I don't really feel like watching movies anymore."

Alfred thought about something they could do together for a few moments before finally deciding, "You know what, maybe we should give that a break and do our own things until we can come up with something to do."

"Okay," was all Ivan said in reply to the suggestion, though he couldn't help but be a bit disappointed with this idea. He was really looking forward to spending the whole day with his boyfriend, and he didn't really have anything else planned. He wasn't going to make a huge fuss about it if Alfred had just wanted some time to himself, though. They had been cuddling and watching movies for six hours straight that day, and his boyfriend had just gone through the stress of filling out a job application and was currently dealing with the fact that he might not be accepted at this job. He could probably eventually come up with something to busy himself with anyways. He may have been bored, but that didn't stop him from being creative.

* * *

It was five o'clock in the evening when Ivan finally decided to start preparing some dinner for the two of them. This time, instead of making sandwiches, as he had for breakfast and lunch, he prepared a salad with a large variety of vegetables, and some chicken. He knew that Alfred would probably love this, as he seemed to enjoy everything he made food wise.

After putting some ranch on the salad he made for his boyfriend, Ivan walked out of the kitchen and into their bedroom, towards Alfred, with the plate of food he'd just prepared. Appearing oblivious to how exhausted and upset his roommate seemed to be, he told him, "I just made you some salad."

Alfred glimpsed at the plate with disgust as he replied to the statement, "No thanks, I already ate a lot today."

"What do you mean 'I already ate a lot today'," Ivan inquired, furrowing his eyebrows with slight concern, "You only ate two sandwiches."

"I know, but those sandwiches were very filling and they probably had a lot of fat. I really need to start losing some weight, I've been eating too much lately."

"Nyet, Fredka. You look fine. I already told you before that you look like you're at a healthy weight. In fact, I would say that you're a little on the thin side, so there's really no need for you to lose weight. So can you please eat some of this salad? You can't just live off of two sandwiches a day."

Instead of responding to Ivan, Alfred turned his head away from him; no longer feeling as if he had the confidence to make eye contact with him at that moment. He was beginning to regret paying so much attention to his stomach while in the bathroom, as he knew that it was going to end up making him upset for the rest of the night. Maybe even for days.

Feeling even more concerned about the situation at hand, due to the lack of response, Ivan set the plate down on the nightstand so that it wouldn't be a burden to him, and sat down on the bed next to his boyfriend so that it would be easier to tilt his head so that he could hopefully coax his lover into making eye contact with him. Alfred did not object when he felt his head being lifted up, but he still kept his eyes downcast so that he did not see his roommate's face. Despite the lack of eye contact, Ivan spoke anyways, "Fredka, you're starting to worry me. You haven't been trying to starve yourself, have you?"

"No, not really." Alfred replied, still keeping his eyes on the ground as the room magically became much warmer to him, "Most days, I eat a lot of food. More than I should be eating."

"Have you ever tried eating less than one-thousand calories in a day?"

Alfred hesitated, before answering with caution, "A few times. There were a couple of days where I only ate three hundred calories, and one day when I ate nothing..."

"Alfred!"

"It wasn't really that big of a deal! I didn't even end up sticking with it! I don't have the discipline to start myself for long periods of time, so I ended up binging right after I did that," Alfred tried to explain, urgency reeking in his tone. He couldn't help but feel a bit panicked at the sudden outburst from his boyfriend. Did it mean that Ivan was too disappointed in him to want to continue the short, romantic relationship between them? Would it be too much trouble for him to have to worry about whether or not he was eating enough? Something told him that it was irrational to assume that his roommate suddenly hated him, since it would've been obvious to anyone that there was a lot of worry radiating from his demeanor. He still couldn't help the pleading tone, though, as he stated in a quiet voice, "I'm sorry..."

"Nyet, don't be sorry," Ivan tried his best to sound reassuring, as he realized that he must have come off as too aggressive, and was immediately regretting that, "I'm not angry with you, I'm just a little worried. Please start taking better care of yourself. You deserve to be healthy, not miserable. And besides, you're a full grown male, and you're still very young, so you need to eat a lot of food in order to stay healthy. You don't need to worry about your weight right now, because it seems as if you have a fast metabolism. So please, enjoy it. And don't listen to a thing your parents say about your weight."

Already forgiving Ivan for the outburst, Alfred allowed himself to be pulled in a gentle embrace, and returned the affection as he felt his self-esteem begin to restore itself after hearing those words of reassurance. After holding his boyfriend in his arms for a few moments, Ivan pulled away to ask him, "Do you think you can eat a little bit of the salad now? I'm not going to force you to eat the whole thing if you don't want to, but I do want you to at least have something in your stomach."

"Okay," was all Alfred said before Ivan handed the plate of food to him. Upon receiving the salad, Alfred couldn't help but suddenly notice how hungry he was, and began to hungrily shove scoops of chicken and lettuce into his mouth. It wasn't long before the entire plate of salad was eaten, which had caused him to feel a bit guilty, but at the same time, he didn't want to worry his boyfriend, and it was becoming harder to resist the hunger as time passed by.

Ivan grabbed the empty plate from Alfred's hands and told him, "I'm glad that you were willing to eat all of that. I'll take care of this plate for you now."

Having a full stomach made Alfred feel even more exhausted than he had been before the meal, so he decided that it would be best for him to lay down and call it a day, as he wasn't enthusiastic about the idea of doing anything except sleeping. When Ivan entered the room once more, he observed Alfred for a moment before asking, "Are you tired?"

Alfred nodded his head in response, "I don't know why though. I've slept for twelve hours last night."

"It could just be the fact that you were sleep deprived lately. Maybe your body needs to catch up on some rest."

Alfred snuggled into the covers and asked, "Can you cuddle with me? I feel like cuddling right now."

Ivan smiled at this and replied, "Of course, Fredka."

With that said, he crawled under the covers and pulled Alfred into his arms. Though his boyfriend seemed to have a tendency to wiggle around a bit (he claimed that this was because his legs weren't tired, but the rest of him still was when he was asked why he was moving around so much) while he was being snuggled that evening, Ivan was relieved to find that this didn't last for too long, as soon enough, his roommate was sound asleep in his arms. Though he was still wide awake himself when he began to cuddle with his lover, he still enjoyed sitting there in silence as he held the sleeping American in his arms. In fact, the soft breathing that came from the other was enough to eventually lull him into a light slumber after having held him for about an hour.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So, after a million years, I finally updated this story! So now you guys know it was never truly abandoned, and you can look forward to future updates!**

 **I was going to update my stories sooner, but unfortunately, life hasn't been treating me well this past month. It's much worse than the previous things I complained about, and I can only hope that things get better, as there are only small things I can do right now to make my life better later on. Hope you guys are having a better life than I am.**

 **Also, I want to try writing a soulmate AU for RusAme. What do you guys think about this? I personally love soulmate AU RusAme, so I'm excited to write a story about it! I already have an idea for how the story will play out, at least, I know how to start it.**

* * *

Two months passed since the young lovers confessed their love for each other, and aside from a few, small arguments, which were bound to break out every once in a while, the two were enjoying life in their crowded apartment. They had recently graduated from college, which was relieving for Alfred. He wasn't sure he would be able to make it through another month of non-stop studying. The weeks nearing finals left him with hardly any quality time to spend with his boyfriend. He wanted to do more with the one he was certain he'd be spending the rest of his life with than share a bed with him.

Alfred had also been accepted for the job he'd applied for, and he would be working there the day after graduation. It was full-time, and the starting wage paid more than double what his old job paid. Quitting his old job right after being hired for this new one gave him a sense of satisfaction he was sure would never go away for a long time. It was equivalent to the time he found out he would never have to deal with one of his worst enemies at school ever again, as they had moved to a different city. What was there to miss? How would he ever regret this decisions? He'd been searching for a better job for a couple years, and after all his hard work, had been granted a decent job, which was bound to make his life easier.

Based on his job interview, Alfred's new boss appeared to be appreciative toward what he had to offer, which was a bonus. He hated how his old boss would sometimes act as if he was the worst employee he'd ever dealt with. He didn't let it bother him now, though, as it was the past. If he was as replaceable as his old boss made him believe he was, the company he used to worked for shouldn't have any problem finding a new employee. Though he did have sympathy for whoever the new employee would be, and hoped they would be able to find a better job as soon as possible, or better yet, witness his old boss losing his position.

Ivan didn't have as much luck in his job hunt, but he hadn't been as eager to leave the job he had throughout college as Alfred was, so it didn't bother him much. His boss didn't have any problems with him, and had even given him a promotion at one point. As much as he would love to have more money, so the two of them could move out of the small apartment sooner, he figured being paid less than Alfred would help boost his boyfriend's self-esteem. He understood the fact that this was a weird way to cure someone's ego, as well as how, since they were in love, it was foolish to compete over who made more money, but it was only human nature for one to want to do better than those around them once in a while. Humans are competitive creatures. They don't want to be at the bottom. His lover had believed he was there for the longest time, and now, he had the chance to show off. To prove to others what he was capable of, and Ivan was proud of him.

The two lovers lied in bed; the smaller of the two embraced in a protective fashion against the other's body. Ivan preferred they cuddled this way, though it wasn't as if he believed Alfred was weak. Strength wise, there wasn't much of a difference over who was stronger, despite how much shorter and lighter his boyfriend was. Mentally, they'd both been harmed in different ways. The struggles he went through involved more physical traumas, while Alfred dealt with constant emotional abuse, unappreciative parents, and social rejection.

Some could argue that he had it worse, since it wasn't uncommon for people to put off emotional abuse as nothing. "Words are words" they would claim, "only you can make them hurt you." Ivan had to admit, there was truth to the statement. Essentially, words were sounds, and the only creatures who cared to give them meaning were humans. Alone, words couldn't draw blood. Words were useless, if the one using them had no power. It wasn't what a 'lowly' individual could say that would cause others to care, but instead, it was about whether or not they had a rebellious tone, since others would want to 'put them in their place', out of fear they would rise above them in the cruel game called 'life'.

There was more to it than words, though. Emotional abuse was more than verbal actions. When combined with power, humans could cause harm with words. An example of this would be how one could ruin another's life if they viewed them as a potential threat towards their own success, or because they were jealous or had no better way to deal with internal issues. If they obtained enough power, they could go as far as to convince others their target was a terrible, pathetic human being, and turn everyone against them.

Throughout someone's childhood, a parent is more powerful than the ones they care for. In most cases, they are also more intelligent. A parent should use this as a way to try and help their children grow into healthy, mature adults. Not rip at every imperfection their child had. Parents weren't supposed to live through their children. They were supposed to guide them, love them, and try and make them the best people they could possibly be.

Much to Alfred's misfortune, he'd ended up with parents who wanted a 'perfect' child. Instead of being shown love, he was told time and time again that he wasn't good enough. That he was an embarrassment. The worst part of it was his inability to escape the situation when he was younger. There were no marks on his skin, he was well-fed, and he yield no other signs of physical abuse, so he wouldn't be able to leave his parents until adulthood. They were the ones who fed him and provided him with a roof over his head, so he had to deal with them. Only being a child at the time, Alfred couldn't help but care for what his parents said to him. Most children wanted to meet their parent's expectations, and to constantly be told he was failing miserably in doing so was enough to cause depression and anxiety.

The poor treatment Alfred had to endure from his parents was what stuck with Ivan the most, when his boyfriend explained to him the reasons why he was miserable. He understood how horrible having parents who had never shown any love toward him was. His father wasn't too fond of him and hadn't been afraid to express his negative opinion through... rash actions.

Ivan shuddered at the memories and tried his best to ignore them before he ended up having an emotional break down. He wanted everything to go well during Alfred's first day at his new job. Crying at four-thirty in the morning was a terrible way to go about this.

He focused all his attention on his sleeping roommate. He couldn't help but smile at how adorable he was. Alfred's face was nuzzled into his chest, and once in a while, he would mumble nonsense in his sleep. The dark blue light of the night filtered through the window, making Ivan's lover's golden blonde hair appear ashen and his face a shade of white, despite how dark it was in the room. Though such dark, grayish lighting would normally make the scenery engulfed in it have a depressing and dull appearance, his boyfriend managed to make bland colors more interesting. Alfred's natural beauty and peaceful attitude made Ivan imagine, with the colors surrounding him, a calm ocean on a cloudless, starry night; instead of a dark forest littered with bare, black trees and an endless dark grey sky, which was what dull colors would usually bring to his mind.

Even if it was true, what lover said about people putting him off as ugly, during his emotional outburst, Ivan would always appreciate the beauty his eyes swore was Alfred. Perhaps it was his personality that made him appear so attractive to him. Though Ivan had always believed his boyfriend was more on the attractive side, even when they first met, he hadn't paid it much attention in the beginning. He'd never bothered to take the time to examine his appearance. However, as time passed on, and while their friendship developed, it wasn't long before he viewed him as charming.

Ivan lied there for a couple more hours. He contemplated everything he and his roommate had been through. He smiled at the fond memories and allowed his smile to falter at the rare moments there was tension between them. Sure, every time he had done something to accidentally anger Alfred, it wasn't over anything huge. Most of the time, their arguments were over small annoyances, and they would never result in anyone yelling, breaking objects, or crying. The longest argument they had only lasted for ten minutes. The two lovers always considered the other side during an argument and would eventually come up with a compromise for every problem between them. Still, this didn't stop Ivan from worrying about the possibility of hurting his lover one day on accident. He didn't want to be a cause of distress for Alfred. Especially when the other could've been suffering from anxiety.

Ivan was brought back into reality when his boyfriend stirred. He glanced over at the clock to find that it was time for the other to wake up anyway. Alfred would have one and a half hours to prepare himself for work. Considering the fact that his boyfriend was going to make breakfast for him, so it wouldn't be a burden to him, this would be plenty of time for him to get ready.

Ivan hadn't been aware of his surroundings the entire time he was lying in bed. He was comfortable snuggling with Alfred while he contemplated life. He was shocked to find so much time had passed by while he lied on his bed. He didn't regret wasting all this time, though. He didn't have to go to work that day and he believed any time spent with his boyfriend could never be wasted.

Alfred opened his bright blue eyes and was delighted to find himself having his hair stroked by his love. He snuggled closer to Ivan and spoke in a sleepy voice, "Good morning."

"Good morning, Alfred," Ivan replied, and tilted his boyfriend's head up so he could place a quick kiss on his lips before continuing, "You should start getting ready for work soon. It's six thirty right now. I'll make us some cinnamon rolls while you're in the shower, okay?"

A faint blush appeared on Alfred's cheeks after receiving another kiss. This time, on his forehead. He replied, "Alright, that sounds great."

After staying in bed for five more minutes, Alfred left the comfort of his lover's embrace, and set off to gather clean clothes for work. Ivan made sure to use the restroom before his boyfriend entered said room, as he didn't want to wait any longer to use the bathroom. He appreciated the fact that he didn't need to go until half an hour before his roommate awoke. It would've been torturous, but he believed he would've been too comfortable to leave his bed and go to the restroom. He wouldn't be surprised if he ended up with some sort of health problem doing this over and over again. He needed to resist the temptation of being lazy with his partner as often as possible, and go to the restroom when he needed to.

Ivan set off to work on the cinnamon rolls, after taking care of his restroom business. It didn't take long for Alfred to shower in the morning, so he wasn't worried about his breakfast being cold, by the time he was out of the bathroom. He figured the other should be out by the time he was finished icing the cinnamon rolls.

Once Alfred was finished taking a shower and dressing up for the day, he made his way toward the kitchen, and was delighted to find the cinnamon rolls finished. He sat at the table and was handed a plate with three cinnamon rolls on it. It wasn't long until he'd devoured them, and was even willing to eat a couple more (there were still plenty for his boyfriend to eat).

Delighted by the fact that Alfred was enjoying his breakfast (but also worried for his health, since five cinnamon rolls contained an unhealthy amount of sugar to be consuming in one meal), Ivan asked, "Are you excited about your new job?"

"Of course I am," Alfred replied, after swallowing his food, "Why wouldn't I be? My last job was horrible!"

After the two lovers were finished with their meal, Ivan cleaned the dirty dishes, and strode toward Alfred at the door that would lead him out of their apartment. While there, he made sure his boyfriend's outfit was presentable, by ridding it of any wrinkles. All while stating, "I'm so happy you finally found a job you wanted. There are many people out there these days who have a hard time getting the job of their dreams, no matter how hard they work for it. You deserve to have this job after everything you've been through. Hopefully, things can continue to change for the better in our lives."

"Yeah, I hope so to," Alfred said, "but I think things are good enough as they are now. I'm not going to have to worry about college anymore, at least."

"Yeah, college did get pretty stressful at times."

There was a moment of silence, before Alfred spoke, "I want to take you out on a date after my first pay check. We haven't really done anything, other than hang out in our apartment and go to the store together. I want to do more with you. Especially since you've been my boyfriend for a while now. It's too bad we couldn't do much in the beginning of our relationship, since money was an issue."

"That's so sweet of you, Alfred," Ivan replied, appreciation obvious in his tone, "You don't have to do anything special for me, though. I'm just happy to have you in my life at all."

"Well, I still want to take you out on a date, so if you have any suggestions on what we should do, don't be afraid to tell me! As long as it doesn't cost thousands of dollars, I should be able to do it for you."

Ivan gave Alfred a kiss on the forehead, "Okay, I'll think about it. I hope you have a great time at work!"

"Thanks. I hope you have a good day too!"

Ivan watched after Alfred as he walked out the door. His heart fluttered with pride toward his boyfriend's achievements. _I'm glad things are finally getting better for him._ Ivan mused _Though, I can't help but worry that he'll somehow regress to his previous, stressful self. Is this something I should worry about, or am I being paranoid? I don't expect him to be perfectly happy all the time, but I don't want him to be miserable either._


	5. Chapter 5

Three years had passed since Ivan and Alfred had confessed their love for each other and they were now married. The two lived in a house of their own. Purchasing the house had become an easier objective to complete when Ivan managed to land a job that paid more than one-hundred grand a year. The house had four bedrooms (one for themselves and the others for guests), two bathrooms, a basement, an attic, a living room, a kitchen, and a large backyard.

It hadn't been their initial plan to own such a large house, as it was only the two of them living together, but since Alfred didn't want to kick his parents out of his life (as he was afraid his brother wouldn't approve of this), they wanted to make sure his entire family would be able to come over during holidays. Ivan didn't understand why his husband was worried about whether or not his brother would approve of him kicking their parents out of his life. He had met Matthew before and he didn't appear to be the type who would hate Alfred's justified decision in doing so. After all, he was there to witness how his brother was treated and he'd agreed their parents were sometimes too harsh toward him. Ivan tried not to question his husband's decision too much, though. Sure, he hinted toward it not being a wise idea at all, but he also understood it wasn't his choice when it came to who the love of his life wanted to hang around.

Besides, there was a possibility the two of them would change their minds about being child free and end up adopting some children to make use of the extra space in the house. They didn't mind children. In fact, they sometimes talked about how family life could be for them, and whether they'd enjoy it or not. The main reason they didn't want kids at the moment was because they weren't sure if they'd be happy with all the responsibility and were afraid they would put off the kids as burdens. If they adopted the kids, they wouldn't be related to them, and they didn't want to risk the possibility of not loving them and making them depressed because of that. Sure, their was always the option of surrogacy, if they wanted blood related children, but at the same time, they didn't want to contribute to overpopulation. They figured they were too long to worry about having children anyway, so they tried to avoid discussing this topic as much as possible. Despite how interesting it could be to discuss it.

A month had passed since the two were married and life for them had been normal. Alfred worked the typical forty hours a week, while Ivan worked at home; most weeks working for longer hours than his husband did. He had a difficult job and it required lots of time to complete his assigned projects. Which was why he was paid large sums of money to do it. He didn't mind doing his job, though. In fact, he loved it more than Alfred loved his own job, despite his being easier and less time consuming. Only problem was, his job didn't allow him to spend as much time with his husband as he wanted. Sometimes his husband became lonely and cuddled up to him while he worked. Ivan didn't mind this, but he couldn't help the guilt that would pester him for not being able to return the affection, since he was too busy.

In fact, today was one of those days where Alfred would cuddle with his husband, while the other worked, out of loneliness. Ivan had tried to align his work schedule as best as he could with his husband's, so this wouldn't be as much of a problem, but it was still no use. There was simply too much work for him to do. He'd tried giving his significant other kisses once in a while and remind him of the break he had coming up, in an attempt to show he still cared for him. Yet Alfred still wouldn't budge. He must have been especially lonesome that day.

Eventually, Ivan set his laptop aside and pulled his husband into a tight hug. The guilt was killing him. He tried his best to reassure Alfred, "I'm sorry if it feels like I've been neglecting you lately, but I promise that all this work will pay off for both of us later on. I'll make it up to you after I finish this project, okay? I still love you more than anything in this world, and the reason why I'm doing this job is to help us both out. Please don't be sad. I'm trying to spend as much time with you as I can."

Alfred snuggled his head against Ivan's shoulder, "I'm not against you having this job, and I understand the long-term benefits of it. I just don't understand why you can't stop for the day. You've been working twelve hours a day for the past four days. Can't you give it a break once in a while? There's no way this could be good for you. And I know you have a break coming up, but I don't see the harm in spending less time on the project right now. You have a week left to do it and didn't you say you were getting close to finishing it?"

"Yes, but I want to make sure I get it done in time. I'm worried that if I give myself more time off, I'll start to procrastinate, and then I won't get it finished in time."

"But Ivan, you don't even have much left to do. You said so yourself. What would be the harm in stopping for the day, and working a little less for the rest of the week? If you're worried about time management, I can help you out, but otherwise, I don't think you have much to worry about. Just put the laptop away for the day and enjoy yourself. You've done more than enough work today."

While he spoke, Alfred had left the embrace so he could put himself in a better position to massage his husband's shoulders, "You're so tense. You need to relax, Ivan."

Ivan absorbed everything Alfred told him. His husband was right. He needed to give his work a break. There was no need for him to spend any more time on the project that day when he was close to being finished with it. He allowed himself to relax with Alfred's touch, "Alright, I'll stop for the day."

Alfred embraced Ivan, with his head rested on the other's shoulder, "Thanks, Ivan."

There was a moment of silence before Ivan stated, "I guess tomorrow I should only spend four minutes on that project, so we can spend some more time with each other."

"That's sounds like a good idea. You'll get closer to finishing it, but we'll also spend quality time together. I really miss being able to do that more often."

Ivan placed a kiss on Alfred's forehead, "Perhaps one day, we will be able to."

For the rest of the night, the two watched a movie together in an attempt to create a more relaxed atmosphere. Even if they had less time to spend with each other, they were still thankful for how much easier their lives had become after they graduated from college, and they hoped things would continue to improve for them. However, they were aware of how everything could go wrong for them. There was no guarantee their lives would remain pleasant. Life had made it obvious time and time again how little it cared for them, or anyone for that matter.


	6. Chapter 6

The past six months had been stressful for Alfred, but he tried his best to persevere through his responsibilities and emotions. His parents had been causing him a bunch of trouble, which had been no surprise to him, but it was still taking a toll on his mental health. What he didn't understand was why he was so affected by what was going on in his life when there were so many people out there who had it worse than him. Sure, he still had problems, but at least he was able to live in a comfortable home and had a surplus of money. Though he wasn't rich, he was still far better off than he was during his time as a college student. There were people who would kill to have his life, and yet, his anxiety was becoming worse than it ever had been. It was to the point where he considered going to therapy and his husband encouraged him to do so as well (Ivan had been telling him to go ever since they could afford it, since he wanted to be sure his anxiety had been figured out, despite how much happier he was right after college).

To make matters worse for Alfred, things at work had been going down hill. He was struggling to keep up with the work load he was given, due to how occupied his mind was. What caused him even more stress was the fact that his co-workers were having no trouble finishing their work on time and were even able to take on more responsibility without hesitating. He would sometimes receive glares for his supposed laziness, since he was having a hard time going at the same pace as them. It was obvious to him they were disappointed in his lack of productivity in the past month, and it hurt because he was trying his best. He didn't understand why he was struggling, when before, he had no trouble doing his job, but his efforts didn't do anything to fix this problem.

A part of him believed he was going insane. Surely, even if he was stressed, he would still be able to perform well at a job he'd been doing for three and a half years, right? Why did he no longer have any control over his own success, as he did in the past? How come he was struggling to understand basic concepts even the slowest of minds could figure out without an explanation? It was a strange way to put it, but with how little impact he was making with his surroundings, despite how much effort he put into attempting to fix his problems and convincing people to understand what was going on with him, he was surprised he could even be considered an existing being. He swore, even his husband would give him a confused stare when he tried to explain his problems to him, as if he was speaking a foreign language.

Another part of him was confused as to why he was falling a part so drastically. He was only in his mid twenties, how could he already be burnt out? There were people in their forties who were working harder than he was, and they weren't complaining. Whenever they were stressed, they sucked it up and moved on with their life. Why couldn't he do the same? He was too young to be so lethargic and scatterbrained. This was something he would expect from an eighty year old with a neurological disorder, not someone who was in their twenties who had been healthy before this occurrence. No one ever talked about a young person burning out. Young people in his shoes were considered lazy and useless, and others believed if his life went to ruins because of his inability to keep up with others his age, he would deserve it. Even if his husband told him he was still willing to take care of him, if for whatever reason he was unable to work, he still doubted his husband would want him around if he became useless.

Alfred sat at his desk, trying and failing yet again to focus all his attention on his work. Sure, he was still managing to finish it, but long after everyone else had finished their work load, and it wasn't at the same quality either. He was surprised he even still had this job, though his boss had warned him about his lack of productivity being an issue. Still, he forced his mind to only focus on the work in front of him, and tried his best to complete it at a reasonable pace. No matter how stressed he was, this job wasn't worth losing.

However, as the hours passed by, he became more and more stressed, and oddly enough, he was becoming all sweaty from the the pressure, despite how cold he was from the air conditioning. His chest was also constricted, as if someone was squeezing his lungs, and the only way he could breath was through short, shallow gasps. As strange as he found these problems, he tried his best to ignore them. Perhaps his body was overreacting to the stress. Maybe if he ignored this discomfort his body was bringing upon him, it would go away.

Unfortunately for him, these symptoms worsened when one of his co-workers entered his work space out of the blue and tried to tell him something. With his irritability rising, Alfred snapped, "Can't you see I'm busy!? Why do you always have to waste my time like this!?"

His co-worker gazed at him, as if he was deranged. Alfred didn't blame him for staring at him this way, even he believed he must had appeared crazy. He'd yelled for no valid reason, his outfit was ruffled, due to how much he fiddled with his shirt and tie out of stress, he held his glare, despite having made his point and there being no need for him to do so, and no matter how many times he told himself to ignore the pressure in his chest, he was still curled up in his chair with an arm hugging himself. His co-worker walked out of the room without a word, leaving him alone with his discomfort.

It didn't take long for Alfred to become aware of what he'd done. He couldn't believe it, he'd yelled at one of his co-workers! This was it, he was going to lose his job. If he ever tried to apply for another job, he wouldn't be able to use his boss as a reference, and if any future employers found out about what he did anyway, they wouldn't hire him. His husband would be disappointed in him.

Perhaps he was taking this too far, but he believed there was no way he would be able to keep this job after what he did. It would be the last straw for his boss. Imagining his career being destroyed by this incident worsened the tightness in his chest. He couldn't breath! On shaky legs, he removed himself from his chair, as it was causing him discomfort, and tried his best to compose himself. His attempt to calm himself proved to be futile as the pressure and agony in his chest proceeded to worsen. It wasn't long until he found himself lying on the floor a panicking mess. Tears escaped from his eyes as he tried his best to breath, but nothing he did would work. _What's wrong with me!?_ He wanted to cry out, but was unable to speak through his quick, painful breaths, _Am I having a heart attack?_ Now he regretted ignoring the signs his body had been giving him.

It wasn't long until someone was at his side. A hand was placed on his shoulder as he was told, "Just try to relax. I'm calling an ambulance right now."

Though these words were comforting, it did nothing to ease the pain in his chest. _At least someone is able to help me,_ Alfred tried to comfort himself, _I'm young, maybe I'll be able to withstand this heart attack._

The events of arriving at the hospital had been a blur to him. The only time he had relief that day was when whatever was happening to him wore him out to the point where he passed out from exhaustion.

 **~O~**

Alfred awoke to find himself in a white room. Despite how groggy he was, he could tell he must had been in a hospital room, based on all the equipment and the sterile scent. He didn't care for how he ended up there, though, as all he wanted to do was resume to his deep slumber. However, before he closed his eyes and attempted to do so, a soft, familiar voice grabbed his attention, "You're finally awake! How are you feeling, my little luchik?"

"Just a little tired," Alfred replied, "What happened, anyway?"

"You had a panic attack at work, and at first, everyone thought you were having a heart attack. I'm so relieved to find that, physically, you're alright. I'm not saying that panic attacks aren't horrible, they are, but I wouldn't want you to suffer through a heart attack and possibly die."

"A panic attack? There's no way that could've been a panic attack! My chest was hurting and I couldn't breath. How would they know, anyway? I don't remember telling them what I was going through."

"You're probably too tired to recall it at the moment, but they said you were able to answer their questions once you were finished having the panic attack, before you ended up passing out from exhaustion."

Alfred went through his mind to find out whether or not a memory of what his husband had told him was there, and it didn't take long for him to recall said event. He was still confused about how what he experienced could be a panic attack, so he asked, "Are you sure that was a panic attack? Were the doctors aware of everything I was going through?"

"They knew you were in pain and that you were having a hard time breathing, but based on the way you described it, they figured it must have been a panic attack. They said it is easy to mistaken them for heart attacks, since their symptoms are so similar, but they could still tell the difference with you. Besides, I know from personal experience they aren't full of it. I dealt with them when I was a child. I know they aren't fun to deal with. So there's no need to feel ashamed, we just need to find a way to help you overcome them, or at the very least, cope with them. That is, if this ends up happening more than once. I hope this is the only time you'll ever have to deal with one."

"I know this is off topic, but do you just so happen to know if I still have my job or not? I ended up snapping at one of my co-workers before this panic attack took full affect, and I haven't been performing so well lately."

"Yes, you still have your job. But your boss told me that you were going to have to start going to therapy to take care of this problem if you want to keep it. He isn't angry at you for the panic attack, and what came before, but he doesn't want your possible anxiety to get in the way of you doing your job. As long as you attend therapy, he'll know you're at least trying to solve this problem. He also wanted me to tell you that you will be taking the next three days off, in order to recover from this event."

 _Can my boss even do that?_ Alfred mentally asked himself, _I mean, I have nothing against going to therapy and getting these panic attacks treated, but is demanding I do so in order to keep my job even legal? Well, it's not the most outrages thing I've ever been told to do at a job, and this guy is definitely not as bad as my old boss. I guess I'll just let it go. It seems more like he's concerned for my well-being, and understandably, the atmosphere at work, rather than trying to be invasive or discriminate against me._

After he was finished contemplating the situation at hand, he let out a sigh and said, "At least I'm able to keep the job. I guess he's also right about the therapy thing. I do need to start seeing a therapist. I've been feeling so miserable lately, and I've tried to fix the problem on my own, but nothing's working. I'm not saying that you don't give me a good life. You do, it's just that I haven't been feeling good at all, mentally. Sometimes it feels like I'm losing it."

Alfred's throat clenched when he talked about what was going on with him to Ivan. I appeared his husband was aware of how upset this topic was making him, as he stroked his hair in an attempt to comfort him, "Please don't be upset. There's still hope. We haven't tried therapy yet, so maybe that will help you feel a little better. But we'll figure something out. Besides, you still have me. I'm here to help you if things get out of hand."

These words soothed Alfred. Once he was calm, he asked, "How come I'm still in the hospital, anyway? I'm not suffering any dangerous health conditions, and aren't there other people who need to be taken care of more than I do?"

"They moved you out of the ER when they find out your condition wasn't life threatening, and moved you here so you could rest. Since there are plenty of other hospitals in this area, they aren't terribly busy here, as you would expect, so they have room to spare. They figured it would be best for you to rest before you leave. Speaking of which, are you feeling any better? Do you think you're ready to go home, or do you want to rest here a little more? Actually, if you're feeling well enough, we could go out to have something for lunch. I figure you deserve it, after what you went through."

"Whoa, how long have I been asleep? Yeah, lunch sounds nice, but I want to rest here just a little bit longer. Would you mind staying here and waiting for me?"

Ivan smiled, and replied after placing a kiss on Alfred's forehead, "Not at all! Where would you like to eat once you're rested? An all you can eat buffet? Somewhere fancy? Or do you not care?"

"The buffet sounds nice. I'm really hungry right now."

"Alright, why don't you get some rest now, and we can discuss this more once we're heading out?"

"Okay."

With that said, Alfred snuggled against the pillow of the hospital bed, as Ivan gave him the the most affection he could without cuddling with him. He enjoyed having his hair stroked and his shoulder and back rubbed by the gentle hands of his husband's. It gave him a sense of security. Though it was rare for him to be in a relaxed state during the past six months, he was happy to have a moment of peace. He hoped therapy would help him overcome this hurdle in his life.

* * *

 **A/N: Just so you guys are aware, I have been fortunate enough to not have suffered through a panic attack YET. I had to do some research to hopefully get an idea of what they're like. Also, I have no idea how they are dealt with when a person first goes to the hospital for one if they have no idea what's going on with them. So yeah, this probably wasn't realistic.**

 **Also, I was looking up Russian pet names, and I guess "luchik" is supposed to mean "beam of light" or "ray of sunshine." I can't speak Russian, so I don't know for sure.**

 **Edit: Did you guys not like this chapter, or something? I've noticed that this story is slowly losing followers ever since this chapter was posted, and that the review page has become quiet. It's not as if I'm traumatized or anything, and I understand that there are many people out there who are busy, but it just kind of feels like this chapter must suck to the point where people don't want to read this story any more. I still might finish this story, but I do have other stories I could work on.**


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